My ex's mum has suddenly passed away just two
days ago before Mother's Day. Immediately I remember
that she kissed me outside the subway station at
Covent Garden in London. Then we said goodbye,
it was the early summer of the year of 1998.
earlier set up a poll on my homepage asking people
guessing their way of passing away in the future.
Most of them chose dying of aging. I believe
it's more like an expectation rather than a guess.
When we are getting older and older bad news unexpectedly
comes more often and often such as someone got
brain tumour or beast cancer, some other killed
himself because of the depression, someone died
of accident etc. From time to time I hear this
from my old lost friends and unseen online friends,
as if an alarm ringing more and more often from
somewhere not far away, as if I know someone is
stuck in the lift. This is a distance that I could
hear but not see.
However I know that I would be able to see that
distance by my eyes one day. As close as the alarm
in the car outside my home, as close as the fire
alarm installed at home, or even as close as the
alarm clock by the bed, but that is not the time
we can adjust and set up. And nobody would choose
to stare at the second hand going round and round
on the clock. But we can listen to the every single
jump of the second hand in the silent night as
if the clip-clop coming by.
At that time, I could see the death or the life
by closing up my eyes. The faces of the dead are
getting clearest in my memory and imagination,
my uncle who died in an accident, my aunt who committed
suicide, my unseen online buddy, or the superstars
or the crowd who died in the tsunami. Perhaps they
had just read the morning paper before they became
part of the evening news themselves. It is just
like my grandma who passed away ages ago would
never imagine the appearance of mobile phone and
Internet in the world. Perhaps you or I would not
be able to see the sunshine or the raindrop in
next year, or next month or even next week, as
if someone takes his departure all in sudden with
one way ticket in hand.
Until I sleep then I would dream of them very
often. The dead, they are always so vivid as if
they were really alive in my dream or I where in
their world. And the boarder in between the life
and the death would be unclear only in the dreamland.
But I still prefer to wake up. I enjoy the real
feeling of being alive. However, my mum is getting
I am always afraid I would hear that alarm ringing
one day because of the sickness or accident or
Today is Mother's Day, I greet my mum wishing
her to have a long life but actually I just want
my mum would dress the best, eat the best, because
I am not by her side.
* The Mother's Day in Norway is
on the second Sunday in February.